A PILOT MISTOOK Venus for an aircraft. Catching sight of the huge planet in his cockpit window, the Air Canada Flight 828 pilot took evasive action, diving 180 meters and sending passengers hurtling to the ceiling. Only after crew assured him that chances of actually hitting Venus were on the lowish side did he return the aircraft to its regular flight path.

Passengers, several of whom ended up in the overhead luggage bins, were stunned, literally. I learned this from a reader named Emmy, who found the tale in a recently published report from a Canadian transport safety organization. "How can you mistake a planet for a plane?" she asked.

Easy mistake to make, Emmy! They are both big things "up there". But to help Air Canada pilots, here are the three key differences between Venus and aircraft. Planes are 70-meter-long pointy objects. Venus is a big round thing 12,000 kilometers in diameter. Planes are planet Earth objects. Venus is 40 million kilometers away in space. Planes contain people. Venus is the home of one of the girls from the Sailor Moon anime series. That’s all you need to know. Hope that helps!

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used?

Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads.

Why did the English build them like that?

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads?

Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads?

Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.


The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for! an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a spec and told we have always done it that way and wonder what horse's ass came up with that, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.

Now the twist to the story...

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad (NO YOU CAN NEVER SEE IT AGAIN!), there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.

The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.

And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important.

"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

(P) = Problem (S) = Solution

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement (S) Almost replaced left inside main tire.

(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough (S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid (S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1, 3 & 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

(P) Something loose in cockpit (S) Something tightened in cockpit.

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear (S) Evidence removed.

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud (S) Volume set to more believable level.

(P) Dead bugs on windshield (S) Live bugs on order.

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent (S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

(P) IFF inoperative (IFF-Identification Friend or Foe) (S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick (S) That's what they're there for.

(P) Number three engine missing (S) Engine found on right wing after brief search.

(P) Aircraft handles funny (S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious.

(P) Target Radar hums (S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics.

> Your aircraft was getting old when you were born.

> You have not done a daytime landing in the past six months.

> ATC advises you of smoother air at a different altitude, but you don't care.

> ATC asks you to "keep the chickens down" so they can hear you.

> Your aircraft has over 75000 cycles.

> Your ops manager mysteriously increases your max takeoff weight during the peak season.

> You mark every ramp with engine oil.

> Everything you own is in your flight bag and suitcase.

***

> You know you are flying a Cessna when you have a bird strike and it's from behind.

> You reach 5000ft after takeoff run, but still over the runway, you know you are flying a glider. 

> I'd like to die in my sleep like my father did, not screaming terror, like his passengers.

> Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.

> We have a perfect record in aviation: we never left one up there.

> Flying the aircraft is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding it.

> The 3 most common expressions in aviation are, 'why is it doing it?', 'where are we?' and 'Shit'.


Douglas' Law of Practical Aeronautics:

"When the weight of the paper work equals to the weight of the plane, the plane will fly."

If you’ve ever passed the cockpit while boarding a flight and tried to pick up bits from your pilots’ conversation, you probably didn’t glean much from them. From terms like “niner” to “Zulu,” pilot-speak can sound like its own language.

While most of the phrases flight crew use were borne out of a need for clear and succinct communication over an occasionally fuzzy radio transmission, according to aviation experts, there are also more colorful phrases that pilots say were conceived of in the sky and shared widely among staffers.

“A lot of the ways we say things to be meaningful to other pilots is kind of monkey-see, monkey-do,” says Ferdi Mack, senior manager at the Pilot Information Center, of picking up lingo on the job. “Part of your challenge is to get it and understand it.” And flight crews often use the same pilot slang in slightly different ways.


So if you’ve ever wondered what your flight crew is talking about, you can save yourself years of aviation training with this rundown of pilot jargon.


“Let’s kick the tires and light the fires”
Famously uttered by Harry Connick Jr. in Independence Day, the military phrase signals that a plane is just about ready for takeoff, says Mark Baker, a commercial pilot of 35 years and current president of the Aircraft Owners and Pilots Association (AOPA). Once the crew completes the pre-flight gear inspection, it’s time to ignite the engine and take to the sky. These days however, it’s much more common to hear pilots announce that the plane is “cleared for takeoff” — particularly on commercial flights — for the sake of brevity.

“Feet wet”
This phrase alerts air traffic controllers when a military aircraft, (usually a Navy carrier pilot), is flying over water, says Tom Haines, a private pilot and editor-in-chief of AOPA’s Pilot magazine. In the event that the aircraft encounters an emergency above water, like trouble in a combat zone, the controllers can deploy the proper rescue vessels given the plane’s location. Once a flight has crossed the shore and resumes flying over land, they’ll call in to air traffic control that they’re “feet dry,” Haines adds.

“We’ve got a deadhead crew flying to Maldives”
Despite how it may sound, this isn’t an insult: Off-duty pilots or flight crew who board a commercial flight as passengers to fly back to the plane’s home base are called “deadheads,” Haines says. “Deadheading” is fairly common: if a flight crew lands in their destination but must depart from a different airport for their next shift, an airline can fly the off-duty crew members there, as long as there are seats available, he says.

In rare cases, a deadhead crew can boot paying passengers. United Airlines created a customer service frenzy when a viral video captured a passenger’s violent removal from an overbooked flight to make room for four deadhead United crew members. Airport security officers dragged a bloodied David Dao down the aisle of the plane after he refused to give up his seat. Two security officers were fired after the incident, and United has since settled with Dao.

“There’s a pilot in the jumpseat”
If there aren’t any seats in the passenger cabin available for deadheads, they can claim an extra fold-up seat in the cockpit, known as a “jumpseat.” Most jumpseats are reserved for FAA inspectors or off-duty flight personnel traveling back to their home base, says Ross Aimer, a retired United Airlines pilot of 40 years.

“You basically beg for a ride on your airline or somebody’s else’s to get to work,” Aimer says. Several airlines offer courtesy jumpseats to pilots from other companies, too.

“It’s 17:00 Zulu time”
Since pilots can pass through multiple time zones in one trip and must communicate with air traffic controllers from around the world, aviators follow “Zulu time,” or Greenwich Mean Time (GMT), the universal time zone of the skies, Aimer says. GMT is the time kept by the Royal Observatory in Greenwich, London. So if it’s 2 a.m. in London for example, it’ll be 02:00 “Zulu time” for every pilot in the air.

But to avoid confusion among passengers, pilots refer to the time zone of their destination when speaking with passengers over the intercom.

“George is flying the plane now”
There’s a “George” on nearly every commercial aircraft, but he’s not a crew member. “George” is a nickname for a plane’s autopilot system that follows a programmed set of points to the flight’s destination, taking into consideration changes in turbulence and altitude, according to Aimer. Pilots often deploy George to command the plane when it reaches cruising altitude or when they’ve flown for more than 10 hours, when they’re required to rest per FAA regulations for two-pilot planes.

“We’re flying through an air pocket”
Turbulence-averse flyers, beware: “air pocket” is just another word for the winds that jostle a plane from different directions. Aimer says the term “air pocket” causes less panic than “turbulence” among passengers.

“As soon as we say ‘turbulence,’ people get scared,” Aimer says. “We use ‘air pockets’ to calm [passengers] down.”

The direction and force of winds often alter the length of a trip, too, depending on their direction: if the plane is flying with a strong wind, it may land 30 minutes to an hour earlier, Aimer says, depending on the length of their trip. If it’s flying against the wind, passengers might be in for a longer flight.

“Tree,” “fife” and “niner”
Aviators often speak “pilot English” to avoid miscommunications over radio transmission. “Tree” for instance, means three, “fife” is the number five and “niner” means nine, says Tom Zecha, a manager at AOPA. The variations stemmed from a desire to avoid confusion between similar-sounding numbers, he says.

“Pass the crew juice”
After a long day in the sky, crew members often need to unwind—sometimes adjusting to a completely new time zone. “Juice” refers to a cocktail that former American Airlines flight attendant and aviation cabin safety expert Kathy Lord-Jones describes as a “mixture of [alcoholic] beverages” left over from a flight. Crew members are prohibited from drinking on the job; rather, they share the “juice” at the end of their “duty day,” or the full shift that starts with sign-in at the airport and ends with check-in at their hotel, Lord-Jones says.

“Pan-Pan”
Airline passengers likely won’t ever hear their pilot use this term, which is reserved for communication with air traffic controllers. When pilots notice something unusual with their aircraft that stops short of an immediate emergency, they use “pan-pan,” a signal of urgency and attention, Baker says. If one of a multi-engine aircraft’s engines has failed, for example, pilots might say “pan-pan” to get controllers’ attention and request an emergency landing.

When pilots use this signal, other aviators on the same radio frequency will typically “shut up and let you get your message across,” Baker says, allowing air traffic control to provide the appropriate aid and prevent a crisis in flight.

“There are 155 souls on board”
The number of “souls” on an aircraft refers to the total living bodies on the plane: every passenger, pilot, flight attendant and crew member, according to Lord-Jones. Pilots often report the number of “souls” when declaring an emergency, she says, so rescuers know the amount of people to search for.

27 03 2019 - Time

***

Modified Landing Checklist


Brakes - Off

Slippers - On

Feet - Up

Mixture - Richer the better

Port - Decanted

Fire - Burning merrily

Turkey - Stuffed & eaten

Harness - Loose as possible

Lights - On trees

Palm Pilot - Stowed

De-icing - On cake

Partner - Set to standby

We welcome your feedback. For the benefit of other pilots please send your ideas, unusual flying experiences, advices, etc. We will publish them in Monara editions.